Have you ever watched 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days? I have. Hours of it. Because that's what Christmas is truly about. Seeing your precious family, yes, but also being bedridden with a TV show about unhinged people in long-distance relationships that may, or may not, be worth braving the Anglo-American immigration system for. So there I lay, eating and watching, and eating and watching, plump, pale and cackling like an evil little Tudor prince.

At 35 - at any age, really - that sort of excess is good for the soul. Your goal weight? Not so much. I mean, I don't actually have one, but my reflection in the mirror has been looking a bit... soft. I'm not alone. Mates, mates of mates, and even people I don't know that well are quite open about looking like a bag of apples post-Christmas. All of that has consequences for the stuff you wear. The T-shirts you bought to match that summer body aren't such a good fit for the winter recess.

I want to look better in a T-shirt; I just don't want to inject anything, be that the juice or the zemps, in order to do so. Even a GP check-up makes me feel as nervous as a 17-year-old in the Somme circa 1916. So I go all natural, baby! And luckily, getting back to form isn't a massive undertaking. It'll take work. But in 12 weeks, you should be feeling a little more confident; the torso of your T-shirt will be flatter, the sleeves will be a bit tighter, the shoulders marginally wider.

Harrison Stevens, a personal trainer at elite London gym Third Space, is a bit of an oracle. His T-shirts fit really, really well.

"Twelve weeks is enough time to create a noticeable improvement in upper-body shape if training and nutrition are consistent. You won't completely transform your physique, but you can expect visible changes such as broader shoulders, leaner arms, and improved posture," he says. "Looking better in clothes is about proportion rather than size. I prioritise shoulders, upper chest and upper back to create a broader, more athletic frame. Triceps are key for filling out sleeves, while core training supports posture rather than aesthetics. These areas tend to give the biggest visual impact without needing extreme training volume."

Back in October, he hooked me up to all sorts of machines and masks. My hips weren't great. My balance needed some work, said the big screen in front of me. My cardiovascular health, though, was pretty good. Not bad for someone who caned it harder than a Victorian schoolmaster! "Most male clients want an athletic, lean physique rather than extreme size - broad shoulders, a narrow waist and visible but sustainable muscle," says Stevens. "In recent years, the focus has shifted away from purely aesthetics toward performance, health and longevity."

After that, I was given a plan that should fit any guy who is around 6ft and of average build. It's only three days a week in the gym. No getting up at 5am and blitzing it every day 'til you feel like you're about to die. Really no need to post a "not bad for January!" Strava result, either (no, seriously). It's been my go-to for a while now.

Day 1
Leg extension machine, 3 sets, 8-10 reps
Decline dumbbell bench press, 3 sets, 10-15 reps
Reverse dumbbell lunge, 3 sets, 10-12 reps
Lat pulldown, 3 sets, 6-8 reps
Standing cable rotation, 3 sets, 10-12 reps
Hip extension, 3 sets, 10-12 reps
Side plank raise, 3 sets, 10-12 reps

Day 2
Romanian deadlift, 3 sets, 8-10 reps
Dumbbell incline bench press, 3 sets, 8-10 reps
Rear-foot elevated split squat, 3 sets, 8-10 reps
Seated cable row, 3 sets, 8-10 reps
Sit-up, 3 sets, 12-15 reps
Dumbbell lateral raise, 3 sets, 10-12 reps
Kneeling cable crunch, 3 sets, 10-12 reps

Day 3
Bench press, 3 sets, 10-12 reps
Reverse lunge, 3 sets, 10-12 reps
Single-arm cable row, 3 sets, 10-12 reps
Seated dumbbell shoulder press, 3 sets, 10-12 reps
Standing calf raise, 3 sets, 10-15 reps
Hanging knee raise, 3 sets, 10-12 reps
Prone leg curl, 3 sets, 10-12 reps

Eat less and move more isn't a scientific revelation, but I was kind of shocked that working out isn't as hard as the gym bros would have you believe. OK, so I wasn't going to be so jacked I could trash talk to camera like a WWE meathead. But on the approach to Christmas, I was leaning over my laptop, distracting a colleague with a stupid question on how to work Google Sheets properly, when Sam Parker, our site director, came over (you might remember him from a Hot Wash a few weeks back; we had pint-fuelled beef over the correct way to wear a beanie). I was wearing a white T-shirt, slightly fitted, tucked into big, battered Carhartt worker pants. "You're looking a bit hench," Sam said. I was taken aback, appreciative, silently pleading, "More! More! More!" with hungry eyes. It may be shallow, but in this drowned, perfect world, it felt even better than eight hours in front of an exploitative reality TV show.

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