Are They Silencing You? 7 Signs You're Being Controlled

In today's world, we increasingly encounter authoritarian behavior in various settings-from politics and workplaces to our communities. While often associated with political contexts, these behaviors manifest in everyday situations: a boss who manipulates rather than empowers, a team member who hoards information, or a leader who demands unwavering compliance.

To exercise leadership effectively, you must learn how to counter disempowering authoritarian behavior wherever you encounter it ✊

👥️ Why Standing Up for Yourself Matters

People who try to control others often act this way because they're afraid - afraid of losing control, afraid of new ideas, and afraid of changes. They create an environment where people are scared to speak up.

It's tempting to stay quiet and hope things get better. Sometimes we might even agree with what the controlling person wants, so we ignore their bad behavior. But here's the danger: if we let controlling behavior become normal, eventually it will affect us too.

Think of it like a frog in slowly heating water - you might not notice the control growing until it's too late. Once controlling behavior becomes "just how things work," it's much harder to fight against.

🙇🏽‍♂️ How People Are Disempowered

Here are the main ways people might try to control you, and what you can do about it:

1️⃣ Undermining Confidence

They put down your ideas, question your ability to do things, or keep reminding you that you're "just" a certain rank or position. Over time, this can make even confident people start to doubt themselves.

What you can do:

🔹️ Write down your achievements to remember what you're good at

🔹️ Ask trusted mentors or coworkers for honest feedback

🔹️ Stand up for yourself-set the boundary. This can vary from a firm boundary like "I'm sorry, but I don't appreciate your tone" to a softer, curious approach like "I'm noticing you seem frustrated with me lately. Can you tell me what's going on?" We will talk more about this in the next newsletter.

2️⃣ Information & Resources Hoarding

Withholding critical data, materials, or opportunities to ensure you can't act independently. Keeping control over financial support, professional connections, or emotional validation, making you beholden to the person in power.

What you can do:

🔹️ Talk to other people to see if others are experiencing the same (isolation is the biggest enemy)

🔹️ Look beyond one gatekeeper by building a wide network (other teams, departments, external contacts)

🔹️ Request needed details and resources in writing (evidence)

🔹️ Escalate to higher management when appropriate, presenting specific examples of how hoarding is impacting business outcomes

3️⃣ Gaslighting

A manipulative tactic that causes you to question your own reality. Common signs include someone insisting, "That never happened," or "You're overreacting," when you express genuine concerns.

What you can do:

🔹️ Take notes about important conversations

🔹️ Trust your gut - if something feels wrong, talk to someone you trust to reflect

🔹️ Ask for clear confirmation of decisions and agreements

🔹️ Minimize isolated interactions by requesting group meetings or including others in email chains when communicating

4️⃣ Isolation

Keeping you from forming connections-blocking your access to allies, mentors, or even colleagues-so you can't unite or compare notes.

What you can do:

🔹️ Join professional groups and make friends in other departments

🔹️ Keep track of when they try to stop you from working with others

🔹️ Suggest group meetings where everyone can participate

5️⃣ Micromanagement

Constant oversight, nitpicking every detail of your tasks or projects, implying that you can't be trusted to work independently.

What you can do:

🔹️ Ask for specific goals and deadlines upfront, so you can track progress on your own

🔹️ Provide regular summaries of your work, reducing the perceived need to hover

🔹️ Propose regular check-in intervals instead of 24/7 supervision

6️⃣ Excluding People from Decision-Making

Leaving certain individuals or groups out of key discussions, meetings, or policy decisions, signaling their input doesn't matter.

What you can do:

🔹️ Politely but firmly ask to be part of relevant discussions, stating your potential contributions

🔹️ Build alliances with included colleagues who can advocate for your presence or share critical information afterward

🔹️ Keep track of instances where you or others are omitted, and raise the issue with higher management or leadership if necessary

🔹️ Propose specific contributions you could make to these meetings, framing your inclusion as beneficial to organizational goals rather than personal advancement=

7️⃣ Silencing Opinions and Critiques

Demanding absolute agreement or loyalty, dismissing or punishing dissenting voices, and discouraging open dialogue.

What you can do:

🔹️ Frame your critiques in solution-oriented language

🔹️ Amplify the voices of colleagues who have insightful perspectives but might be afraid to speak up

🔹️ Choose your battles strategically, focusing on issues with significant impact rather than minor concerns

🔹️ Zoom out and assess if this is isolated behavior only in your office or if it's part of the organizational culture. If it's the latter, you might consider leaving

⚡️ Five Ways to Reclaim Your Power

1️⃣ Identify Disempowering Tactics

Pay attention to situations where you feel that sinking gut reaction-when you think your perspective doesn't matter. Name the tactics you observe and discuss them with trusted colleagues. Transforming private suspicions into collective understanding builds power.

2️⃣ Ground Yourself in Core Values 

Clarify what you stand for-whether it's justice, creativity, fairness, or integrity. A strong sense of personal values provides an internal compass when faced with pressure to comply with questionable demands.

3️⃣ Build Coalitions 

Do not stay isolated! Form genuine connections with teammates and community members who believe in collaboration rather than control. A supportive network helps share information, boost courage, and present unified resistance to controlling behavior.

4️⃣ Set Clear Boundaries 

Practice saying "no" calmly but firmly to unethical or manipulative demands. Use phrases like "I'm not comfortable with that approach" or "Let's revisit our goals before proceeding." Setting boundaries reminds others that your time and expertise have value.

5️⃣ Use Your Voice 

Speak up when something feels wrong. Ask direct questions about concerning decisions. Write about your experiences when appropriate. Even small acts of truth-telling can be liberating and inspire others to do the same.

➕️ Additional Resources

If you want to dig deeper, here are a few additional resources on this topic:

📚 Book: "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High" by Kerry Patterson et al. - Offers practical frameworks for navigating difficult conversations with power imbalances

📽 TED Talk: "How to Speak Up When You Feel Like You Can't" by Adam Galinsky - Explores the psychology of power and provides actionable strategies for speaking up while minimizing risk

📜 Article: "7 Signs Of A Toxic Workplace And 7 Proven Remedies" - Explores how toxic, controlling cultures form and gives guidance on fostering healthier, more empowering environments.

📚 Book: "The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't" by Robert I. Sutton - Research-backed strategies for dealing with toxic leadership and protecting workplace culture.

Leadership is not a title, a position, or power-it's a choice. Don't underestimate your voice. When you stand your ground, you encourage others to do the same. In the next two newsletters, we will discuss how to set boundaries to stand up for yourself, and how to handle different power games & imbalances ✊

The Daily Newsletter for Intellectually Curious Readers

If you're frustrated by one-sided reporting, our 5-minute newsletter is the missing piece. We sift through 100+ sources to bring you comprehensive, unbiased news-free from political agendas. Stay informed with factual coverage on the topics that matter.

Join for free today!