We are humans,
not dolphins.

Alex Beggs is a writer in Ann Arbor, Michigan, who contributed several pieces to Mass Index, our deep-dive resource for under-covered skin conditions.

Written by
Alex Beggs

Slick and slathered with sweat and sunscreen, I dive into the cold lake and this is it: the closest I'll ever get to being one with my inner-and outer-dolphin.

A few years ago, the phrase "dolphin skin" splashed into the world of beauty and the dolphins were none the wiser. It represented a hyperbolic, almost silly, ideal of sleek, shiny skin that always conjures up the image of J. Lo's early 2000's perfume ads for me. After staining a few car seats with body oil, and watching gnats get trapped in my over-frosted epidermis, my shining days are over.

Now I just want to be as soft and healthy as my mammal body can get, given the circumstances. Do I realize the forces at play here, of centuries of marketing and capitalism and Mr. Monopoly-types twirling their mustaches and taking my money? Yes, sure. I mean, I'm writing this for a lovely little skincare brand. But when my skin is dry it itches, and buying things is my favorite hobby. I also bake bread. So I find myself in an impasse, not quite dolphin dreaming, but in a constant quest to retain moisture in my upper arms, in case I need to slip through any locked gates next week. The process of achieving this basic level of hydration, thankfully, isn't that laborious in my above-ground life.

While researching and talking to ~eight dermatologists for Mass Index, I learned a few things about the general health of our skin.

Here are a few:

The biggest factor in how your skin behaves is genetics. Thanks to my ancestors, I have nearly hairless arms (this was a huge deal for me in high school, no one seems to care anymore, especially you).

I didn't realize how often my skin was shedding and recreating new skin cells all on its lonesome self. Depending on your age, you might be working with a fresh set of skin every month.

You can buff your buns off, but who can compete with 4,380 sheds a year?

Exfoliating helps dust off the old cells. Your skin's going to do this on its own, but you can assist if you want to speed things up.

Then moisturizing helps retain water so it's you who doesn't become dusty.

If anything, I want my skin to feel more like the stingray I petted at a children's museum once, velvety and forbidden.

It's not much more complicated than that. If you really want to shine like a depressed dolphin turning tricks at SeaWorld (tell me I'm not wrong), you can glaze yourself with body oils, but what's interesting is that those tend to sit on the skin because their molecular weight is usually too large to penetrate. This is why the derms I talked to always recommend lotions and creams, not oil, when you're super dry. Isn't that fascinating? Kinda?

Like everything in the world of beauty, dolphin skin is another unattainable ideal to make you feel defective about your totally normal, probably genetic bumps. If anything, I want my skin to feel more like the stingray I petted at a children's museum once, velvety and forbidden. (Disclaimer: The stingray had its barbs removed, please consult the aquarium staff before petting.)

Stingray skin is so durable, you can buy it as a men's loafer, though I'm not sure how I feel about that. They flutter along the ocean floor like a Roomba, in search of snacks-relatable. Their skin is made of tiny scales that might feel sandpapery or soft, depending on the ray-again, relatable. Do they like being petted? Research says "maybe!" Re-lat-able! As I lotion up, I wiggle my arms and legs like a stingray and hope it all sinks into my skin and maybe even my soul. And then when my arms brush against strangers' on the train, they'll know I've got a soft side, but I can sting, too.

Alex's stingray routine:

Buffing Bar
My stingray self prefers to exfoliate with sand while I splash in shallow waves-but for all other days, Buffing Bar is it.

Smoothing Solution
I use this once a week (sensitive skin), usually two days post-shave, to save my legs from itchy bumps as the hair grows back, and on my KP-prone upper arms.

Carea Cream
Every day, every way.

Speed Soak (Optional!)
If I go for a lap swim, I bring this to slap on after my quick rinse to stave off that cling wrap, post-chlorine dry skin.

You can buff your buns off, but who can compete with 4,380 sheds a year?

Exfoliating helps dust off the old cells. Your skin's going to do this on its own, but you can assist if you want to speed things up.

Then moisturizing helps retain water so it's you who doesn't become dusty.

If anything, I want my skin to feel more like the stingray I petted at a children's museum once, velvety and forbidden.

It's not much more complicated than that. If you really want to shine like a depressed dolphin turning tricks at SeaWorld (tell me I'm not wrong), you can glaze yourself with body oils, but what's interesting is that those tend to sit on the skin because their molecular weight is usually too large to penetrate. This is why the derms I talked to always recommend lotions and creams, not oil, when you're super dry. Isn't that fascinating? Kinda?

Like everything in the world of beauty, dolphin skin is another unattainable ideal to make you feel defective about your totally normal, probably genetic bumps. If anything, I want my skin to feel more like the stingray I petted at a children's museum once, velvety and forbidden. (Disclaimer: The stingray had its barbs removed, please consult the aquarium staff before petting.)

Stingray skin is so durable, you can buy it as a men's loafer, though I'm not sure how I feel about that. They flutter along the ocean floor like a Roomba, in search of snacks-relatable. Their skin is made of tiny scales that might feel sandpapery or soft, depending on the ray-again, relatable. Do they like being petted? Research says "maybe!" Re-lat-able! As I lotion up, I wiggle my arms and legs like a stingray and hope it all sinks into my skin and maybe even my soul. And then when my arms brush against strangers' on the train, they'll know I've got a soft side, but I can sting, too.

Alex's stingray routine:

Buffing Bar
My stingray self prefers to exfoliate with sand while I splash in shallow waves-but for all other days, Buffing Bar is it.

Smoothing Solution
I use this once a week (sensitive skin), usually two days post-shave, to save my legs from itchy bumps as the hair grows back, and on my KP-prone upper arms.

Carea Cream
Every day, every way.

Speed Soak (Optional!)
If I go for a lap swim, I bring this to slap on after my quick rinse to stave off that cling wrap, post-chlorine dry skin.

Thanks for reading! For more of Alex's writing, check out her "bottom shelf" for Into the Gloss or this piece about " pistachios as quiet luxury" for Taste.

Illustrations by Jessica Lin.

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