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TL;DR |
The people who annoy you the most are basically giving you free therapy. Consider their behavior a blessing and a way to understand yourself a bit better. |
Ever have those moments when someone does something mildly annoying and your brain just...fires up? Like, your coworker sends a passive-aggressive Slack message, and an hour later you're still thinking about it while you're in the shower, outlining why she's the worst person alive? |
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Disproportionate rage like that is rarely about the thing that happened. It's about what your brain decides the thing means. |
For example: |
Someone didn't reply to your text = They don't value you. |
A coworker interrupted you in the meeting = That person doesn't respect women. |
Your friends forgot your birthday = Nobody actually cares about you, you're alone in this universe, and probably going to die alone surrounded by cats. |
(I can relate to all of this...) |
What we're doing in those moments is basically writing a fictional story about someone else's internal world. Psychologists have a fancy name for this called rumination. The rest of us call it "spiraling." |
What's really happening is this: The things that send you into a five-alarm rage about other people are usually pointing at something you haven't dealt with internally. It's not always obvious in a 1:1 way. It could manifest in something like the feeling you get when someone describes a dream, and you think, Wait, why does that feel personal? |
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Here are some more examples: |
You're furious that your friend "always makes everything about herself." When that annoys you, ask yourself: When was the last time you actually asked someone how they were doing without waiting for your turn to talk? |
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You're enraged that your coworker is "fake." When that bothers you, ask yourself: When's the last time you said "All good!" to someone you genuinely wanted to scream at? |
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You're losing it over your roommate being "lazy." When that gets under your skin, ask yourself: Is it possible you're keeping busy and working hard to avoid sitting with your own feelings? |
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The Reframe |
Next time you catch yourself building a case against someone in your head, try this instead: |
Pause, then ask yourself, "What is this actually about for me?" |
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Sometimes the answer is "Nothing. What they did was really rude and I'm allowed to be annoyed." That's a valid answer. Not every irritation is a deep spiritual lesson. Sometimes people just suck that day. |
But sometimes? The answer is something tender. Something you've been avoiding. And weirdly, getting curious about it is way more useful than rehearsing your bad guy monologue about your co-worker who sends annoying Slack messages. |
The bonus is that you might accidentally develop compassion. |
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Read this before you say something you'll regret |
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Words of Wisdom |
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If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part yourself. What isn't part ourselves doesn't disturb us. |
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| Hermann Hesse |
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Along the Same Lines... |
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